For years I’ve battled with a mild joint condition which I now know is classified by podiatrists as hammertoe. Hammertoe is a foot deformity that can occur due to an imbalance in the muscles, tendons, and ligaments that normally hold our toes straight. I believe that has caused an abnormality in the way the muscles and tendons in my feet function. Playing sports has been a part of my life for a long long time and I’ve always had issues with my pinky toes being in intense pain. Subconsciously, I think I’ve avoided dealing with this issue because of the pain and how much it could cost. This year my life’s theme is “The major key to you’re better future is you” so I chose to do something about it once and for all. I will wrap up this whole bit about my dogs and get to what I learned in a second. So the procedure that I got done was a 5th digit toe arthroplasty on my left foot which is basically going into my pinky toe and shaving my toe knuckle bone, removing the affected tendons, and stitching the toe back together to the correct position. I felt a bit queasy writing that the last sentence so let’s get on with what I learned about myself before during and after surgery.

1. Life In The Hands of Others
I don’t like to depend on people for things, I’ve noticed that most Africans are quite prideful; a sort of ego pride that sometimes prevents one from moving forward in life. The pride I speak of is not the kind that won’t allow someone to help out or assist but rather the attitude of self-reliance, showing up for self and avoiding disappointment. Moving with strength of the lord and the strength he has imparted upon me. I take full responsibility for what happens to me and how I respond to the world. There should always be space to allow others to help when it’s offered but on the same coin, I will exhaust all options before leaning on another. Going into surgery meant that I absolutely had no choice but to let go, move in faith and trust that I will be cared for and supported by forces I cannot see.

2. Another Nurse Please!
As I lay on my cot in the pre-operation ward, a nurse comes to me (an elderly white woman) and the first thing that came out of her mouth was “do you like needles?” in my head, I’m like “lady do you!?”. The nurse continues to tell me to get comfortable but there was no way I could get comfortable with her devilish gaze, staring at me as she inserts a gigantic iv needle into my hand. Something didn’t feel right so I panicked and kindly requested she stop and get another nurse.”I would like another nurse now, thank you!” At this point I’m anxious and ready to escape the ward in my non-slip hospital socks and hospital gown, ready to just ditch the whole thing. As I seriously consider if I should even go through with this procedure, an anesthesiologist comes in to greet me. She was very kind, she was black and the first thing she asks me is: “Are you Haitian?” ( I’d been wearing a Haitian flag around my neck the entire time, hoping it would give me strength) to which I replied, “No, I just admire the history and culture.” She then proceeded to ask me about my life, where I went to school, what I liked to do and what I’m hopeful for in life. Immediately I calmed down, and before I knew it the iv needle was in my arm. This showed me how important communication is and also representation among like people. Seeing a professional that looks like you can be comforting, you somewhat assume that this person can understand you on some level. Now, that isn’t always the case but it made the difference in this instance.

3. Healing The Sober Way
I was completely naive about what comes with surgery, even healing needs to be guided by a plan of some sort to ensure you have what you need and can maintain some level of autonomy. I was prescribed oxycodone for the pain and I soon realized why so many people battle with opioid addiction. My experience with them is that it made me super sluggish, relaxed and I just wanted to chill all day. Although that’s exactly what I needed with my bad foot, I just didn’t enjoy how it clouded my mind and slowed everything down. Rather than find a new medication or increase the dosage of a milder medication, I chose to endure the pain with the assistance of a few ibuprofen. They were not nearly as strong as the oxycodone and I hurt bad. The pain of such a small incision taught me to never to underestimate the severity of a small thing. On some days I delayed medication for an hour or so and I paid for it, the pain was almost unbearable. No weed, no alcohol; just ibuprofen, a soft couch, lots of breathing exercises and patience. Never underestimate the severity of a small thing.

4. Perpetual State of Recovery
As I sit here thinking of my stitches finally getting taken out by the doctor, I have to begin practicing walking with my healed foot. I’ve been home mostly, finding any and everything I can do to be active and constructive. Along with normal chores around the house, I’ve changed my media diet a lot. Being down and unable to walk helped me see how much time I’d been waisting on entertainment, time that could be put toward education; self-betterment. There are two educators I listened to every day while I was down, their names are Dr. Frances Cress Welsing and Dr. Neely Fuller. Together, they set out to explain what “white supremacy” is, what it consists of, how it affects the world, and what exactly to do about it. Both of their perspectives come on as aggressive and angry at first but it is sort of like an western media detox, ridding the mind of old ways of knowing and imparting new ways of looking at the world we live in. If economy means the constructive use of time and energy then can I truly realize freedom if my time is invested in a dream that doesn’t align with mine? Why do I maintain subconscious habits that inhibit my ability to be what I must be to realize independence? They say asking questions is just as much a part of healing as any other method. My dream is to live in a world where no person is mistreated, my family has the very best, justice is maintained and I can move autonomously throughout the globe creating opportunities for people of African descent to develop confidence in a future that they can benefit from. We are all in a constant state of recovery, it’s important to have grace for once self. Grace doesn’t have to mean throw in the towel and go easy on yourself, there is plenty work to be done. My point is to remember that as you are healing, others may be doing the same so treat them as you’d like to be treated.

In conclusion, I’ve been able to take lots away from my first surgery experience. Healing is not a linear experience, learn to receive help when it’s offered and needed, honor your body, don’t be ashamed to ask for help and analyze what you consume.

I enjoyed writing this piece, if you look close enough at your own life you can pull gems that can educate not only you but those around you. Thanks for investing a few moments of your day to be here and read. If you gained any value from this article, a coffee would help me stay up at all hours of the night to write and continue creating new content. Appreciate you beloved. Be Well, Always.